Dogs are genuine and honest. They will never lie to you and are always clear in what they say (as long as you speak their language). They always tell you when they're happy or frustrated or sad, and they never pretend to be one while feeling another. And dogs will not put up with your company if they're not interested in it. Many dogs I've interacted with have had a lasting effect on my life. Some I only spent a few minutes with. Some I spent hours with over the course of several weeks at the shelter. Some I lived (or live) with and/or cared for.
It should be no surprised that it is much easier for me to relate to dogs than to other people. I am not a people person - I never have been. I have a hard time knowing who to trust and difficulty interpreting social signals. Social situations - especially where I don't know (m)any people - fill me with anxiety and are exhausting.
Socializing with people to me often feels like I'm encroaching on other's lives, instead of being invited. Like I'm invited to the party only because I overheard the popular kids talking about it, and inviting me was only polite. I'm sure there are many reasons for those feelings that could fill an entire 10 page essay, but what I really wanted to say today is that those feelings are starting to change.
The people who have entered my life in the past couple of years are really exceptional people, and we even if we're not bosom buddies, we have lots of things in common. But just as I was starting to feel less like an outsider, I realize that almost all of the all of the smart, talented, ambitious people I know also know each other, and have for years. It is one of the down sides to not having grown up in the city, for sure, and I'm finding it kind of intimidating.
Additionally, while most of the other people in my graduate program are starting to defend, my defense is at least six months away. It seems like everything in my life right now is cooperating to give me a wicked case of Impostor Syndrome, and I just generally feel like I am not as smart or accomplished as those around me... like I'm not worthy of their time or ideas. The worst part is that even though I feel this way, I know rationally that I am. You don't get into graduate school, get published, get offered jobs without it.
This past weekend my husband and I hosted a potluck American Thanksgiving for our friends. It was well attended, but not crowded, and consisted of an interesting blend of people, many of whom did not know each other. We ate excellent food and played games and generally enjoyed each other's company, and it really made me appreciative of the people that I have in my life. Even though I often feel inadequate around them, whether they know it or not, they're constantly inspiring me to be a better version of myself, which makes me incredibly thankful to have them in my life. And just the sheer number of people in my life that inspire me that way makes me feel incredibly grateful and I hope I'll continue to be able to share ideas with them for many years to come.
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